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Extreme Makeover: YIBC Edition
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid- Because of You by Kelly Clarkson (YouTube)
Welcome to our new site! I apologize for slacking on the updates. Now that we have our swanky new setup, I think it’s time to get back into regular updates to reward those of you who have been so patient with us! This week we’re going to start facing up to a tough one, head-on: Abuse & Assault. We mentioned last month that this was a section that was due for a revamp, and I thought I’d start with where we’re coming from.
Breaking it down
Part of our revamp will be creating some dedicated sections for some of the things we figure you’d be most interested to hear about:
Child abuse is a big one, of course… if you’re being abused by your parents, foster parents, or guardian, it can (and probably does) throw your entire home life upside down, even during the calmer moments. Here we’ll probably talk most about what the abuse/neglect might be (for those moments where you’re not sure), how to get help and the kinds of help that are out there.
Closely related, living in a home with Domestic abuse/violence can be brutal as well. Even if you’re not the one getting it the worst of it, watching one (or both!) of your parents or even a sibling suffering through a violent or abusive relationship can be incredibly painful. With that kind of tension in the house 24/7, the stress can eat you alive, whether you live in it or it’s your friend who’s living in it. We’ll talk a little about what it might be like before, during and after, as well as some ideas of what you can do to help yourself or someone who’s in that situation.
Dating Violence and abusive relationships can be really complicated to unravel, whether you’re in it or witnessing it. It’s often so hard to talk about or bring up that we often get left stuck with those feelings, feeling out of control or guilty or embarassed or terrified with nowhere to let it out. We sometimes even convince ourselves that it’s okay, or normal… heck, you may have grown up watching every relationship you’ve ever seen play out like this, but we’ll still give it a try to talk about warning signs and some ideas for what you can do.
Defining “Abuse” and “Violence”
While you may figure that you’d know abuse when you saw it, there’s actually plenty of grey area where we won’t necessarily all agree on when unpleasant behaviour becomes “abuse”. And frankly, I’m not sure it’s our place to tell you for certain… But it’s probably worthwhile to talk about how you feel in about the situation, which may well be that the person is abusing you, or taking advantage of you, or not respecting you, all things that are important. Of course, for something like child abuse, agencies like child protective services become the final word on that sort of thing, if you absolutely need the answer and we can talk about where you can go for those sorts of answers as well.
Likewise, when we think “violence”, we usually figure the physical kind – hitting, slapping, punching, kicking – but the verbal and emotional beatdowns or intimidation can scar in their own way as well… hearing “You’ll never amount to anything, you little shit” every day for your entire childhood will wear you down. The damage from sexual abuse can likewise be completely life-altering, and there may be moments when victims will minimize its impact or downplay it because it wasn’t ‘violent’ in a physical way but the damage is real.
“It’s not your fault…”
“It’s not your fault” often feels like an incredibly loaded statement, I know. From one side, when you see someone suffering through abuse, it’s often the first thing you want to say… but when you’re on the receiving end of the abuse, it can sometimes be difficult, sometimes even impossible, to imagine how it’s not somehow something that’s wrong with you that’s making this all happen. What’s more, there are definitely things that people who are being abused will do in order to set off or redirect the aggressor… either to “get it over with” or to try and protect someone else who may also be in danger. We get that that happens.
I guess the actual message is that though it may feel sometimes like you deserve it, we don’t really thing there is anything you can do that should earn you abuse. You may feel like this is punishment for the bad things you’ve done, or like it’s just another sign of why you’re worthless, or that it’s okay for it to be happening because you yourself aren’t putting a stop to it, but these kinds of things aren’t always easy to stop! We also think that you can be something better… but that’s hard really hard to do when you’re getting beaten down all the time, and so that may be a decent reason to want it to stop. Being able to move on might be nice, eh?
So that’s the framework we’ll be using to build up the section. If you’d like to let us know what you think of it, leave us a comment (you’ll need to click the title of the entry if you’re browsing the whole blog). We’re not planning on suddenly turning ourselves into Super Abuse Experts or anything, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make some effort to improve!
We’re not dead yet!
When asked “Would you rather work for change, or just complain?” 81% of respondents replied, “Do I have to pick? This is hard.”
We’ve been gone for a long time, haven’t we? There is a reason, but it’s still not a very good excuse, frankly! For the past month and a half, we’ve been gearing up to launch a brand new version of YouthInBC.com. You’ll still recognize it, for sure… and you’ll definitely notice. But we thought it was about time we cleaned up the menus, tightened up the design, gave it a nice modernizing and generally made it easier to use. Our new site should be launching before the end of the month, so keep an eye out!
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One positive side effect of planning this new site has been that we’ve had a chance to look over some of the old content in the site, especially in the Learning section (which we’ll be renaming to call it Youth Issues). We really like some of the sections, but others could use serious retooling and updating which may take a while, but the sooner we get started, the sooner we’ll finish! Because we’re planning on redoing them anyhow, I thought I’d share some of what we had in mind and give you the chance to comment on it!
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Abuse & Assault is always a touchy subject, of course, and also covers a huge variety of situations: Child abuse, violent relationships or domestic abuse, the kind of bullying that can happen especially off school grounds and even sexual exploitation. As the section is now, I think we concentrated a lot on child abuse, where we feel it’s fairly important to make clear that “it’s not your fault” and share some of how you can reach out for help… and while those are generally good goals for all forms of abuse/assault, the other forms may need to be approached from a different angle to get to the same end goals. Plus, I think we need to acknowledge that people experiencing abuse do know their situations quite well and have been survivors throughout, sometimes for years! You probably know what sets off your partner/parent/bully, as well as tricks you’ve used to try to be safer or exercise some control over the situation… and we should probably talk about how that can be a strength!
Disordered Eating isn’t bad, necessarily, but I think we could afford to change the tone of the section. Of course we’re pro-recovery, but it’s just as important to give hearing to what people who aren’t ready for recovery are going through, rather than just trying to talk them out of it. It also couldn’t hurt to talk more about prevention, with sections on body image, self-esteem and related topics, the way we’ve done in our Celebrating Our Natural Sizes blog series.
Mental Health, particularly the sections we haven’t rewritten lately, is long overdue for a rewrite. Point form symptoms can help give you some sense of the condition, but we’d much rather have something with a little more “life”, maybe more stories? As well, particularly with things like Anxiety and Schizophrenia, we should have some more concrete options as to what people can do to get help.
Sex & Sexual Health is pretty decent content-wise, and even has the most pretty pictures of any of the sections. We’d still like to go through there and cross-link the section properly so that it’s easier to find the answers you’re looking for.
Pride 2011 Weekend
If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.”
- Robin Tyler
… Not that I’m phoning it in. But I thought it might be nice to outline some of the stuff still to come in this year’s Pride Week(end), specifically some of the youth-friendly events that will be going on!
Saturday morning will be the Terry Wallace Memorial Breakfast from 9am to 12:30pm at Bute & Davie. Terry Wallace was one of the original founders of Vancouver Pride, and this pancake breakfast is by donation!
Sunday is, of course, the Pride Parade that’ll start from Bute & Robson at noon, and run down Denman to Sunset beach. Click here for a map of the route! Come out (har har) and show your support!
Also on Sunday, there will be over a hundred booths all over Sunset Beach for the Sunset Beach Pride Festival, that will run from 11am to 6pm. Come for the music, come for the products, come to relax!
Finally, Sunday night from 8pm to midnight, there will be a Youth Dance at the West End Community Centre (870 Denman), brought to you by Vancouver Pride and the good folks at Qmunity. This is a 25-and-under, drug and alcohol-free event for youths that identify with ANY sexual orientation or gender. There’s a suggested donation of $5 at the door, but no one will be turned away at the door for lack of funds. More info here!
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For a full listing of events (and there are a TON of them), check out Vancouver Pride‘s events listing page!
Review: Cyberbully
I bet you got pushed around,
Somebody made you cold,
But the cycle ends right now,
You can’t lead me down that road,
You don’t know, what you don’t know- Mean, by Taylor Swift
This past Sunday, ABC Family aired a made-for-TV movie called Cyberbully which, depending on who you ask, was either a ridiculous, melodramatic and exaggerated portrayal of cyberbullying in which a teenager flips out over being called names… or it was a realistic, much-needed look at how cyberbullying really plays out and how hurtful and painful it can be. And funny enough, I was hard-pressed to find any opinions that were anything but those two extremes… and I thought that was incredibly interesting.
On one side, there are a lot of comments along the lines of:
- “so stupid, why didn’t she just block or delete them?”
- or “why would she attempt because someone called her a slut”
- or “that’s not how bullies act”
On the other:
- “I cried because this is exactly what I went through”
- or “Even if it’s corny, there needs to be more awareness about cyberbullying”
And yeah, I watched it. But as usual, instead of taking a side, we’re going to sit on the fence and say a bit about what we did and didn’t like!
What we liked
There were indeed many, many parts of this movie that were very realistic… I thought Emily Osment (and the writers!) absolutely nailed what it feels like to be in a teenager’s shoes when they’re getting battered by insults and abuse like that. What’s important, though, is that I thought they were right to have her not block or delete her bullies’ comments. Heck, she even begged her friends to let her see what they were writing, and not because she’s a masochist, but because in the moment, it can be really hard to remember all those options and hard to disengage from conflicts like that because you just get sucked in and stay sucked in. I liked that she later admitted how long it took her to even think of blocking.
Likewise, I think her mom, the senator and the portrayal of the law were bang on, especially how they struggled to see why she would keep acting the way she was, kept reading the insults and getting pulled further in. Adults can sometimes forget how big a deal their kids’ social life is, and what it was like to be that age.
Finally, I liked that some of the conflict (and arguably the bullying) wasn’t just the top-dog mean girls bitching at her… but also in-fighting with her friends, or the way other kids on the side backed off or joined in, or even just spread the word. Bullying isn’t always so straightforward and there was definitely some sense in the movie of that.
What we didn’t
The suicide attempt… but probably not for the reasons you think. I thought they did a nice job of showing that she was trying to kill herself for many reasons, it’s not just about being called a slut and there’s a lot more going on: it’s also about losing your best friends who have always been your biggest support, fighting with your mom, feeling totally disconnected from and neglected by your dad, feeling like life at school is just going to get worse and worse, and not really having anything positive balancing out any of that. And they had all that in the movie, but then tossed it all away and made it sound like it was only the cyberbullying that did it… which is just way too oversimplified.
The storybook ending is a little annoying too, considering it seemed to solve everything in the space of a day. Things can get better, but it doesn’t necessarily happen overnight as soon as you confront one bully once. Heck, that might not even be the best way to deal with a particular situation… it’s important to choose the answer that’s right for you. This also undid all the neat ideas we liked around bullying being about more than just the one person (and possibly her friends) that we were talking about earlier.
Don’t just take our word for it, though… Look for a repeat in your area, or check YouTube or other sites for it… then come back and tell us what you think!
If you want to see more movies along this vein, Mean Girls might have come up, but that’s much more of a comedy. For something more edgy and realistic, try looking for Odd Girl Out, a Lifetime movie that we’ll hopefully review as well some day soon!
Real Real Beauty
But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors and that’s why I love you
so don’t be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow- True Colors, by Cyndi Lauper
A long, long time ago (okay, about a year and a half ago), we took a look at the role of media as part of the kickoff to our series on Celebrating Our Natural Sizes. In it, we included a video called Evolution that Dove used as part of their Campaign for Real Beauty. The revolutionary idea behind this ad campaign was to use “real women” instead of models to sell one of their products (the firming cream, in case you’re interested). Sounds great, right? Well sure. But then how do we feel about the rather mixed message of “You’re beautiful the way you are, but buy our products to look beautiful“? I’ll give away our answer right away: Some parts are great, some parts need work.
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Some parts are great
Seriously! An ad campaign that talks openly about the kind of manipulation that’s done in advertising every day is a welcome change. Evolution laid bare the incredible amount of changes that can and were made with photo-editing (like Photoshop). Mothers & Daughters was a collection of clips, women talking about how they saw themselves and the massive expectations and pressure they felt. Onslaught was a one-minute barrage of the thousands of images that girls are confronted with every day. Then there were ideas like Amy, that were a reminder of the difference between the things we tell ourselves, and what other people think of us.
Seeing women in their ads that were rounder, older, flatter or frecklier was so refreshing and unusual that it all of a sudden seemed so obvious that advertising was ignoring the billions of women who looked nothing like your billboard models. And we appreciate that.
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Some parts need work
So Unilever, the company that brings us Dove, is also responsible for Axe body spray (or Lynx, overseas). Axe’s ad campaigns are, it’s safe to say, less progressive and reality-embracing… typically, commercials revolve around women throwing themselves at men who use the product, with tall, skinny girls in heels, miniskirts and low-cut shirts, and heavily sexualized themes all over the place. You could probably make a decent argument that it’s just encouraging boys to objectify women even more… not very consistent with the Real Beauty message. And many people took exception, like the makers of this parody of Onslaught, with clips of Axe commercials spliced in.
Obviously Dove didn’t haul all of these women off the street for their ads, neither… Just because they’re not 18 years old, six feet tall, size 0 with long blonde hair and perfect skin doesn’t mean they aren’t model-worthy in their own right. And if that weren’t enough, touch-up “artist” Pascal Dangin, revealed that he was responsible for a whole pile of electronic nips & tucks during that campaign… retouches that had to be careful to keep the women “showing their mileage but not looking unattractive.” Wasn’t the whole point to avoid that sort of crap?
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In the end, our hope is that we’ll be able to take away some of the positives of Dove’s campaign (real-er women in ads, real attention paid to the dangerous impact of advertising on young girls and teenagers, real effort to shore up self-esteems that have been pounded by the media) but still be able to say “That’s good, but we can do better.“
Researchers tell you what you do: Texting Edition
“Oh, you know, texting. It’s what the kids do these days instead of going to dinosaur races.”
- Warehouse 13, “Age before beauty”
We’ve talked a few times now about research, scientists and studies, and how everyone seems to know (or desperately wants to know) what teenagers are thinking. Countless marketing studies are done on how to appeal to the 13-18 age bracket because, frankly, companies who can harness the power of that demographic can get filthy, filthy rich.
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Now it’s no secret that texting is A Really Big Deal; Last year, a Pew Reserch Center study showed that 72% of the teens studied were text-messengers… 54% of them texted daily. The same study 4 years earlier clocked texters in at 51% of all teens. While not everyone has a cell phone – the same study showed that a full quarter of teenagers don’t – there’s definitely this sense that it’s on the rise.
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No surprise, then, that there’s a great desire on the part of researchers and parents to keep up with the trend, which definitely isn’t easy. I myself recently read an article that challenged the reader to decipher text acronyms, and got stumped at “143“. Shortly afterwards, I stumbled on this beauty: a list of the “Top 50 internet acronyms parents need to know“, somewhere around 40 of which I’d never really heard of… I wouldn’t be surprised to hear if most of you hadn’t either.
Since it’s entirely possible that this list lives at least partly in the minds of people who fear the worst of their teenage kids, no surprise (again) that most of them are about sex, and another bunch are about avoiding parents! But given the (fairly justified) alarm around sexting, I guess this all sounds fairly plausible to most people.
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Texting isn’t just used for mischief, though…
Last year, the CBC ran a program where they interviewed a doctor who used facebook and texting her four of her teenage diabetes patients and found it helped them both keep in touch and stay on track with their meds.
Earlier this year, we went to a conference where a few youth workers talked about using SMS to both keep in touch with the youth they were working with, and as a crisis service, where they could be texted out of the blue. Generally, their results sounded super positive and while I’m not 100% certain that it would be right for us, it’s definitely a promising idea!
If you’ve got an opinion on the matter, feel free to leave us a comment.
Help from the strangest places
Be the change you wish to see.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Despite the fact that we’re (obviously) pretty strong believers in how effective an online support chat can be, I think it’s safe to say that we’re still considered pretty alternative… unusual… unconventional… weird… by a lot of people. A lot of our chatters – hell, even a lot of our volunteers – find it strange at first to be talking about the difficulties of life to someone by IM. But if the world is going to keep up with the changing times, we’ll have to keep pushing the boundaries and trying new things. And that goes for helping too.
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Twice already (here and here), we’ve taken a look at how video games have taken on a different face to go beyond entertaining to educate, to inspire and to support. Jennifer Ann’s Group has once again held their annual Life. Love. Game Design Challenge, to encourage budding game designers to create a game that teaches people about the dangers, warning signs and ways to help people around the topic of dating violence, without using any actual violence in-game.
This year’s winner is called Finding Jane, which you can try out here. 
My favorite entry, though, was the second place winner, called Moving On (pictured right), half because it has funner minigames and more fleshed out characters, and half because it really nails how complicated these relationships can be. The danger isn’t always apparent at first and the warning signs aren’t all so obvious… the kinds of tensions and conflicts that come up aren’t exclusive to violent relationships… and as things worsen, sometimes even playing the game perfectly doesn’t always mean you win. I highly recommend you have a look (link).
And if you think you might be in a violent relationship, know that help is out there. You can definitely come chat with us, or give us a call if you’re in BC (1-866-661-3311). Elsewhere in Canada, Kids Help Phone is a great option (1-800-668-6868), and in the US, there’s the 24/7 National Dating Abuse Hotline at 1-866-331-9474.
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But that’s not all!
“Gay” isn’t always as straightforward as it seems… and sometimes, it only adds to the confusion to learn that what you feel for others, what you feel you are, don’t always fit neatly into clear categories with perfectly suited names. We did what we could to tackle the subject in our learning section, though one of the best and most complete guides I’ve ever seen for LGBTQ and its five hundred thousand different terms came in the most unexpected of media: a webcomic. If you haven’t already, check out Rooster Tails’ Queer 101! It might not answer all of your questions, but I think it definitely sends the right message.
The Road to Healthy Living Part III
A puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can’t hit one another.
- Jimmy Cannon, sports writer
So hockey’s kind of a big deal around here and although I wanted to talk about the Stanley Cup Finals, it’s probably not for the reason you think. Yeah yeah, there were riots, but this picture is about as much as we have to say about it. What I really wanted to talk about was the injuries.
It was a pretty physical (and sometimes dirty!) final series all around, and Vancouver lost Mason Raymond to a fractured vertebrae but I was a little more interested to talk about Nathan Horton, who got knocked out of game 3 with a severe concussion. This is because concussions are precisely the kind of injury we’re often not sure how to treat… when is it so serious that I should see a doctor?… or rush to the hospital? A big part of taking care of yourself and “healthy living” is treating injuries.
Last month, Maclean’s ran a cover story about “Concussions: the Untold Story“, packed with interviews with players many of whom had their lives dramatically changed by concussions they suffered while playing in the NHL. Eric Lindros, Jeff Beukeboom, Kevin Kaminski and others all played hard, hit (and were hit!) hard and were surrounded by athletes for whom this sort of roughness is the norm, and by a culture of macho toughness that sometimes discourages players from taking care of themselves.
Unfortunately, the long-term consequences went much further than headaches. Many of the players spoke about mood swings, anxiety, depression and other struggles with their mental health that set in after the injury. Thankfully, with different forms of counselling, medication and therapy, most of these players are also on the mend and managing to take back control of their lives, showing that recovery is very much possible.
Today, Maclean’s ran a similar story about concussions in female sports as well, entitled “Concussions: they’re not just for men anymore”, challenging the notion that concussions only happened in rough sports and at high levels of competition. So we should all watch out.
So how can you know what to watch out for? Well, probably best to ask the pros! If you think something may be wrong, talk to a doctor or nurse.
- Talk to your family doctor, or school nurse if you have one.
- You can check out a list of youth clinics in your region on this page.
- Call HealthlinkBC. They have nurses on staff 24/7, just dial 8-1-1.
If you’d rather try and learn on your own, HealthlinkBC has a fantastic page with pages on all different kinds of conditions (here’s their page on Concussions, for example). You can also look up specific symptoms, if you’re not sure what you might have. And if you’re freaked out and could just use a friendly ear, pop by and chat one-on-one with a volunteer… just click the green CHAT NOW in the corner while we’re open (noon to 1am, every day).
The Road to Healthy Living Part II
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
- Ellen DeGeneres
So it looks like summer’s finally here! Between that, our continuing series on health and the Stanley Cup Finals, I’ve sorta had exercise on the brain. Physical activity is a great way to improve health and well-being: It’s a great way to blow off stress; strengthen your heart, bones, muscles & lungs; increase your overall energy; and can be a fun way to spend time with friends (or away from them, if that’s what you need!).
The Public Health Agency of Canada suggests that youth (12-17) do “one hour of moderate- to vigorous-intensity activity… at least 3 times a week” (click here for their guidelines for adults, 18+) and even offer up some ideas as to how to get more active:
- Walk, run or bike instead of getting a ride – to school, the mall, your friend’s house.
- Take yoga, hip-hop, or aerobics classes.
- Try indoor rock climbing, play soccer, ride a bike.
- Take the dog for a walk.
- Dance to your favourite music.
- Rake the leaves, shovel snow, carry the groceries home.
- Join a team at your school.
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If you’re interested in maybe seeing what’s out there to try in terms of sports, activities and such, there are 24 community centres all over the Vancouver area (map), and many more when you include the whole Lower Mainland. Most include fitness centres, gymnasiums, pools and/or ice rinks, but also host other activities like aerobics, martial arts, intramural sports, racquet sports, etc. Most also have some sort of youth drop-in program too, some of which do outings like hiking or canoeing trips, beach sports days and much more.
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And if you’re going out there, especially out in the sun during the day, remember: wear sunscreen (SPF 15 or higher), and drink plenty of water if you’re going to be active. All that exercise won’t be much fun if you pass out from heat stroke in the middle of your game!
The Road to Healthy Living
He that takes medicine and neglects diet, wastes the skills of the physician.
- Chinese Proverb
The past two weeks have been particularly rough on my body (backache, ow) so between that and the melanoma business from last week, I thought that this week I’d write about physical health & wellness. While looking for ideas, I saw a cute little notice on the CBC’s web site (pictured) saying “Live Right Now! We’re looking for Canada’s healthiest school. Get up and get moving!” That sounded fun and healthy, so I clicked through only to be hit immediately by a banner that asked me: “Pledge Your Weight Loss! xxx lbs!”
Really?… seriously?
It’s not that losing weight is in and of itself a bad thing. But it’s definitely not the only important part of physical wellness; Nutrition, exercise and proper medical care are some of the essential parts of physical wellness and weight is only a small part of those. You’ll notice I didn’t mention dress size and bridal bootcamp as essential parts, neither!
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Much like the quote says, it’s not enough just to take the right medicine; Diet is important too. And by diet, we mean the kinds of things you eat. That quote is often interpreted as “neglects to diet“, which makes it sound like Chinese philosophers think you need to go on a diet! (which they don’t, btw… they think you look fabulous)
Like we’ve touched on before in our series on ED, the media plays a huge role in how we perceive our bodies, beauty and health. The messages that we get from TV, news, music, movies, the net, often make it sound like losing twenty pounds is the road to health but it’ll take more than just losing weight to be fit enough to run a mile, or shake off that flu, or keep from getting cavities (yup, that’s health too!) or keep from hurting your back.
Despite all those choices, you don’t need to be perfect at all of them! Just remember that there are many different roads to wellness. This week, I just wanted to remind you that OMG LOSE WEIGHT NAO was not necessarily the most important one. Look beyond the numbers and let’s start to take a look at what really matters to being healthy.
