Lost and Found
I was there when you
...shone as bright as Bethlehem from afar
I was there when you were
...young and strong and perverted
and everything that makes
...a young man a star, oh you were a star- Chantal Kreviazuk, “Surrounded“
It’s been less than a month and already we find ourselves lighting yet another candle, this time for 21-year old Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili who died in an accident during a practice run on the luge yesterday morning. There are a lot of news stories flying around about the cause of the accident, who’s to blame and such but we’re just going to steer clear of all that talk and pay our respects. After all, he was a youth too.
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In our learning section, we haven’t yet done anything to cover death, grief and loss… It’s a complicated topic because everyone grieves in their own way. Everyone finds their own way to rejuggle their lives so that they can make peace with what they’ve lost, whether it’s a loved one or a possession. And while some people will break down in tears immediately, sometimes it’ll take a while to hit you… You may feel guilty about ‘not feeling it yet’, but this too may be just your way of dealing with it for now.
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Here are some broad things you might want to think of, keep in mind or try, though, if you’re trying to work through a loss:
- Accept that there is grief. It probably hurts, it may even hurt enormously, even many years later.
- Share and express. If you feel as though there is something to “let out”, you can seek out non-judgmental ears, people you can count on, and tell them how you’re feeling. If you’d like it be more discreet, you could try writing a “memory book” (kind of like a scrapbook, with pictures, stories and memories).
- Take care of your body. Bereavement can be brutal on your health. Try to eat right and make sure you have enough rest, exercise and nourishment.
- Try to talk through guilt. We can often feel bad because we feel like we’re “grieving wrong”, say if you’ve been numb, or because you’ve been telling happy stories and laughing. Or because there are so many regrets about what we should’ve done or didn’t quite have the time to do. Share these feelings and if they continue to paralyze you for a long time, perhaps seeing a professional could help to work through them.
- Speaking of which… Get professional help if needed. It’s hard to know what “if needed” means exactly, but if things are getting worse, if all your ordinary supports are tapped out, if you’ve been crippled for months by this loss, these could all be reasons to get outside help.
- Support groups are an option if you want to share with people with similar experiences.
- Think about what death means to you. One of the hardest questions to answer right now may be “Why?” It can help to talk out what death means to you, and how you feel it connects to life.
- Journaling. Writing can help not only to express your feelings, but also to record your own personal progress.
- Consider postponing major decisions. These feelings may be kicking your butt and it may be worth avoiding major changes for a short time, since you may not be at your most sensible right now.
- It’s okay to laugh. Remembering with laughter can help to heal the loss of a loved one. There’s no such thing as “too soon to laugh”, though being considerate of other people’s feelings might lead you to be more discreet in your laughter.
Posted by Youth In BC at February 14th, 2010 under Blog, Grief & Loss.
Back: Olympic fever… or maybe it’s just allergies.
Forward: Adventures in Sex City, and the Steve Cowan Scholarship
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